Learning to Say NO (finally)
It turns out striving to do a few things really is so much better than trying to do everything
When random thoughts reoccur, I tend to listen. Lately I’ve heard a message that has resonated in me and speaks to something I’ve been trying to cultivate over the last year. I didn’t have the right words for it. But when I heard the recurring message, I knew those were the words I needed:
“Life is better spent doing a few things really well instead of trying to do everything”
The longer I’m in recovery from my alcoholism, the more I realize that my recovery from people pleasing is much more extensive and difficult. I can kick booze a day at a time. But it’s often much harder to say to no people for fear of disappointing them.
The other side of that people pleasing is even deeper and more ego-driven, too: I say yes because it feels good to be asked. It’s fulfilling to feel needed. And I’m often afraid if I don’t say yes, then I might miss out on something important including being included in the future. It makes me feel important to be asked to do something. And, as long as I’m feeling important for being so in-demand, then I don’t have to deal with the deeper issues of insecurity and fear.
Over the last year or so I’ve worked to name the 3 areas of my life that are most important to me. These areas must be broad enough to include a few ongoing commitments and routines but specific enough to not be an excuse for saying yes to everything.
For example, as a pastor it’s easy for me to say ministry is one of my areas of priority. But the problem with that is a vague term like “ministry” can easily become and excuse for saying yes to everything related to ministry. Every ask for my time in ministry is NOT worth giving. Some are. But others are really asks to make someone else’s life in ministry better. And I’m learning there are times when the healthiest answer I can give to an ask is NO, even if it means someone will need to find another way to get their job done. Serving is fine and even honorable. But service at the detriment of our essential priorities in life is just self-imposed martyrdom.
I am convinced most people (like 90% of people) need to whittle their commitments down to just a few things and focus on doing those few things really well. If we all did that, we would have healthier and happy people all over the place.
I am convinced most people (like 90% of people) need to whittle their commitments down to just a few things and focus on doing those few things really well.
So what are my essential areas of priorities? I’m glad you asked…
My Recovery & Personal Health
Staying sober is my #1 priority in life. The reason for this is that sobriety lies at the heart of many other vital things in my life. If I can stay sober, I can do many other things well. Sobriety is the biggest cornerstone priority in my life for this reason.
Sobriety means a deeper spiritual life. My program of recovery is built upon the fundamental truth that I am powerless over most things in life. I need God’s help in all things. And I have a daily decision to make over whether or not I will allow God to be in control in my life. From there I work on being mindful of things like my particular struggles with sin (resentment, fear, selfishness, etc).
And I focus on a daily routine of prayer in the morning and evening. My morning prayer is one of gratitude and surrender to God. It’s centered on my utter dependence upon God. I find starting my day this way helps me accept life as it comes without trying to fight to control or impose too much of my own will on others. My evening prayer is one of gratitude and inventory over my day — where was I resentful, fearful, or too controlling. This routine helps me stay accountable to myself and to God to grow as a person.
Sobriety means more care for my emotional well-being. I was not raised to deal intentionally with feelings. We just sucked things up and moved on. So I’m new at this notion of embracing feelings as they come — openly and honestly and especially with vulnerability. Being sober means I don’t drink to make myself feel better. I actually deal with what’s making me feel negative emotions. It also means I don’t over celebrate when things go well. I can celebrate without feeling the selfish need to go overboard in my indulgence.
Sobriety means prioritizing my physical health. I’ve written before about my early morning routine. But the truth is that all started because I knew early in my sobriety that I needed to go to bed at night to avoid the temptation to drink. The fear has grown into a lifestyle where certain things most everyday are of vital importance to me: sleeping at least 7 hours, moving my body is difficult ways that lead to growth, and eating a higher protein/lower carb focused diet that seeks to treat food like fuel not treats (but with the semi-regular sweet treat somewhere in the day!). And I don’t drink alcohol because, besides having my disease where I can’t stop, I’ve found alcohol only leads to hurting all of these other goals once I put in the time to recover from a hangover. It’s just not worth it.
My Family
Sobriety, spiritual, emotional, and physical health means I show up better for my family. If I’m better at showing up for my family through sobriety, then growing in my ability to truly be present is more attainable. For too many years I’ve spent too much family time distracted with other supposedly important things like work and ministry stuff.
To prioritize my family means I put my marriage first, my kids second. Someone told me long ago that the greatest gift I could give my kids is a healthy marriage. So I work to make time with my wife a top priority. We have regular date nights. We work together on our weekly schedules and check-ins. And we make a monthly family budget together. These things matter and I want to make them a top priority in the time I allot in any given week.
This also means saying no to things that get in the way of this goal. I’m convinced the choices we have in life are rarely between good and evil. Most days they are the choice between good and better. A good choice could be to serve on a committee and attend an evening meeting. But a better choice would be to block off my evenings whenever possible to create margin to be present with my family.
My Local Church
The needs of my local church are my most important ministry priorities. Helping my church grow or seeing to pastoral needs or leading the week-to-week rhythms of church life are the things I’m most called to do. As a UMC pastor, we emphasize the connectional nature of the church which means we know the Church is bigger than any single local church. That’s very true. But the seductive siren call for UMC pastors is to say yes to anything beyond our local church in the name of “being connectional.” I’ve said yes to way too many district and conference committees and jobs over the years. Being asked is often flattering. But I have to know where I need to say no so it doesn’t impede on the needs of my own health/recovery, my family life, or my ministry in the church I’m appointed to serve.
So now I say yes only to things I have a deep passion for. I serve as our conference board chair for congregational development because I love helping churches grow. But I said yes to that job and asked to stop doing another conference job in return because I knew doing both would get in the way of the other priorities I hold more dear.
What do you need to say NO to so you can say YES to the most important things in your life?
Hey, I’m starting a coaching/consulting service! If you would like to know more about what investing in an active listening partner might look like in your life or leadership, email me (bgosden1982@gmail.com)