As children we learn that the words “I’m sorry” are both essential and extremely difficult words to incorporate into our vernacular. Saying sorry opens us up to things we’d rather not be open to — vulnerability, regret, shame, etc. No one likes those things because feeling them makes us feel weak. However as imperfect as we all are, we must make room in our lives to accept our mistakes and ask for forgiveness when we’ve wrong someone.
I didn’t grow up in a home where these words were commonplace. We tended to operate by the principle that we could just let things pass over and all will eventually be well. It’s only in midlife that I’m realizing that’t not really a good way to live because things like resentment can build up like the gunk that clogs our plumbing. Eventually things will get backed up and spill out all over the floor.
A better way to live is to go through the process of making amends when we’ve wronged someone. This requires a level of humility that would lead us to feel all of the feelings that come with an amends — the good, the bad, and ugly — in an effort to do our best to right what we’ve wronged. It puts the relationship at a higher priority than the momentary discomfort we feel in owning our mistakes. This is a rich form of grace.
All of that said, I’ve learned there are right way and not so right ways to apologize and make amends.
For example, “I’m sorry you took that the wrong way…I didn’t intend for it to hurt you,” is a pretty terrible apology. It tries to alleviate the guilt you feel by blaming the victim for being too sensitive.
A second example of a bad apology would be something along the lines of, “Cut me some slack…I didn’t know this would hurt you.” Again, this is victim-blaming and it’s a form of gas lighting by redirecting the hurt back to yourself.
A third example of a bad apology might be, “I’m sorry but…(fill in the blank with whatever you think they're wrong was in the situation). Again, this is short-circuiting the agenda process by redirecting the blame from you back to the person you hurt by trying to make them offer an amends alongside yours. They might need to offer one, but you don’t get to dictate those terms as part of your apology.
Through much trial and error (and just outright ignoring of the need to apologize at all) I think a much better apology would be something like:
I’m so sorry. I was wrong. I know that hurt you.
This apology does __ important things:
It admits your guilt
It confesses your ownership of the wrong
It sees and validates the hurt you caused the other person
It’s important that we see one another’s hurt and pain. You can’t heal anything you don’t feel. And things like hurt and pain need to be seen and acknowledged to truly be felt. Thus healing often requires a group effort.
Accepting an apology well happens when we take all of these lessons seriously with an open heart of love toward whoever may have hurt us. It doesn’t mean we accept bad apologies. To the contrary, we need to love ourselves well enough to demand a healthy amends and not a short-circuited attempt that uses us to make the other person feel better. We can hold this boundary with an open hand of grace.
It’s the holiday season which means apologies will be in order by the new year. I hope this helps you be mindful of how to offer and accept yours well as we all try to survive and thrive this holiday season.
Hey, I’m starting a coaching/consulting service! If you would like to know more about what investing in an active listening partner might look like in your life or leadership, email me (bgosden1982@gmail.com)